I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
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I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
FINE, I WON’T.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious