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Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream