Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
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The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.