[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
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If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
I know karate and tons of other words.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.