If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
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The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife