[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
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please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?