I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
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[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.