Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
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My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
This fish is cracking me up
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX