can’t believe I got front row seats
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I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
plant them where lol
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.