I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
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*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.