Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
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feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.