VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
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Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.