Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
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What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’