I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
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[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
From my Mom
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.