[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
You Might Also Like
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?