I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
You Might Also Like
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
🤣dope
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.