If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
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did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
never deleting this app.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!