Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
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Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
“What movie?” 🤔
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”