Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
You Might Also Like
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Meth is short for Elizameth.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..