Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
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I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
also my go-to takeaway order
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
I did not eat the cake…
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.