Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
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5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
get you a girl who
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family