even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
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Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
…..pretty much.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.