Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
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an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Yup!
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
same energy
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.