feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
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*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.