Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
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Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick