Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
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just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.