PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
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I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
@funTweeters
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.