genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
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Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Saint West, the patron of selfies
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear