When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
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Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.