Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
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If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.