Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
You Might Also Like
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural