6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
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The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving