MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
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in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
the dark web is just a goth google.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
I love you…
…r dog.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee