If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
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Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Cat.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
I’m an avid indoorsman.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Checkmate, Flat Earthers