Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
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•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know