CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
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This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
He’s dead
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Autocarrot sucks!
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
im all 3
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
That’s fair
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.