A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
You Might Also Like
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Care for your back
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*