[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
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Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.