My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
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14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
This squirrel eats better than I do
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
“you recording!?”
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.