*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
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My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!