Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
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The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Okay
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
You have been warned.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.