A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
You Might Also Like
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
“i am a sweet baby”
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.