I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
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the answer was staring at me all along
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Me too
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back