*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
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John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”