After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
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reduce, reuse, recycle
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it