My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
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Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE