“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
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For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?