Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
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I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
But that’s none of my business
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
honestly, i need both:
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”