For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
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the noise i just made
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
The asteroid..
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.