I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
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The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
oh shit
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed